The gift of People.
Sometime last year, life dealt me cards.
I experienced a series of events that got in my feelings quite deeply which I mulled over for weeks until I decided it was time to get closure. I confided in someone whom I’d been friends with so for many years and sought their counsel. While it did feel like I’d let the burden off my chest, a couple of days later and in subsequent conversations, it started to feel like this person was intentionally ( or maybe not) making snide and condescending remarks about this issue. I was hurt. I yearned desperately to be seen and acknowledged by this friend. I hoped they’d realize their remarks were hurtful. As days rolled by, I pondered within myself if this distress was worth confronting. Eventually, I did confront them. This friend apologised and I accepted the apology. Sadly, however, our friendship was never the same.
During this period, a colleague whom I had known a couple of years, waltzed into my life and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I could unmask myself, own my story and not feel any less deserving as a person. I found my safe space.
Like a light bulb moment, I suddenly realized some people accept and acknowledge you for the same things others see and snarl at. I’ve been privileged to experience a deep level of compassion and now more than ever, I genuinely appreciate the gift of friends.
Bearing in mind this twist of events, I think the universe has an odd sense of humour. Constantly recalibrating fate - meticulously and perfectly orchestrated- in ways you can not take any credit for.
I digress.
The essence of this melancholic musing is to encourage you to find a tribe. Your home. It won’t be easy especially if you’re introvert or generally wary of people. And I understand that space perfectly. But you see, we were created in pairs: connection is necessary for survival. You can not do it alone.
While I can not make the loss or falling out with a friend any less agonizing, here’s an alternative perspective: "You haven’t lost friends, you’ve only gained space for actual friends that support your growth." - Chuba Ezekwesili. There’s no telling how hurtful it can be to fall out with friends, especially if you’ve known them for many years and built memories together. Life happens. However, it’s crucial to understand that no friendship, however exotic, is worth trading your peace or losing your identity for. If the cost is high, perhaps it is time to let go. To constantly explain (and over-explain) yourself, you’re probably delivering the message to the wrong audience.
As you grow, you’ll need to consciously filter your space. It’s also vital to take cognisance of those who see you as human- not a stat, object or statue. A safe space where your full humanity is recognized and acknowledged. A tribe where you’re allowed to be. It’s okay to reinvent yourself.
Tunde Onakoya’s, “In a world where everyone is competing to be the meanest and least concerned- like there’s some trophy to be won for being unpleasant - remember it’s okay to lead with your heart” rings true. If you find people who create warm space for you, please pay the kindness forward. "Being nice and kind doesn’t entitle you to anything. It’s just the right thing to do." - Rhan Forsyth.
My sincere love
❤,
Christabel.
